My Barn

This Barn is important but I don't know why. I passed it on my way home from lunch with a friend and I felt like turning in to get a closer look. But the practical side of me kept driving.   A quarter of a mile down the road, I felt it again. "Get a closer look, turn around, go back." Only I wasn't hearing it in my head but feeling it in my heart. A moving, a bubble of hope growing.

The free spirit in me, turned the car around.

And as I drove back, I'm arguing with myself, but also hopeful. What is it I need to see?

Driving up, I felt silly and excited. God kept giving me words. "Big, Bigger, Bigger than you can imagine."  And the bubble popped in my heart.  Hope surged.

This Barn with a capital B, was Big.  No house is on the lot and it's surrounded by old trees.  Let me rephrase, it's surrounded by mature trees.  It had a weathered look and yet the boards were neatly painted with what can only be described as 'barn red'.  The driveway was hard to find but the grass wasn't all long and pushed over.  But neatly trimmed without lawnmower marks.  Shingles covered the roof, unlike old barns that have been neglected and have big patches or holes in their roofs.  One door was covered with ivy and another looked like it could be easily opened.

It was weird.

The Barn was set on a hill, overlooking fields.  The setting felt secure but also wild as the wind blew on this sunny, cold day. 

What does it mean?

This year, I started praying for my future husband.  I did this in my 20's. Whenever I wondered if I'd ever marry, instead of feeling discouraged, I prayed for him. It gave me a sense of power, that I was doing something, talking to God about my future. Not knowing how he would answer such a prayer.  And just because he answered so big the first time does not mean this is a recipe for a second time.  But the peace I feel after I pray for this man, is real. God hears me and I'm ok.

What will he be like?  Big, Bigger than life.  Secure but wild.   Handsome, in a weathered sort of way.  Parts of his heart are scarred but he's still able to open up his heart to the right person.

I can stand in the shadow of this barn and see the future.  Or I can let the sun shine over and feel it's warmth.

And it had a silo around the corner, reminding me of provision. 

This still feels crazy but I'm hanging these pictures and this post on my wall to remind me.  Someday I hope it makes more sense. 

Jesus

I don't get Jesus.  I've worked through how God is my Father. And the Holy Spirit is my counselor.  I understand these two thirds of the Trinity in my head and my heart.  It's taken time, surrender, and suffering to flesh out my hang-ups. But worth it.

But I don't get how to relate to Jesus.  He's God become man. He's my Savior.  I understand a lot about Jesus in my head and he lives in my heart. But my heart needs to more fully surrender to the Jesus part of the Trinity.

Since I love Bible Studies, I ordered Jesus: 90 Days with the One and Only by Beth Moore.  I've worked through her studies on John and David.  It's a good fit for me.

Mary's pregnancy and Jesus birth came more alive.  Him as a boy is something I could picture as my own boys are that age.  The 40 days in the desert followed by temptation, I could relate to as a human.  But as he gets into his ministry, I found myself only in my head again.  And I left my heart out of the equation.

I'm praying that he will become more real as a person in my heart. That I'll be challenged to rid myself of what is not true about Jesus as a human. And for him to enter into my heart places that I have not surrendered to him.

A couple of years ago, I surrendered my anxieties to him.  And he didn't take them away. He put me in more situations where I feel anxious, forcing me to dig out and sift through where the roots of my anxieties live.  I didn't like it. But it was worth it.

Last night I realized I need to work through another heart issue.  Ugh.  I told him to do whatever it takes to work through this negative feeling.  I surrendered knowing it's going to get worse for a long time before it gets better.  Double Ugh.

And Jesus will be far more real in my heart than he was before. 

Tried and True

"Jesus, full of the Holy Spirit, returned from the Jordan and was led by the Spirit in the desert, where for forty days he was tempted by the devil. H ate nothing during those days, and at the end of them he was hungry." Luke 4:1-2

Jesus came straight from being baptized, hearing from his father, seeing into heaven, recieving the Holy Spirit.  The Trinity all in one place.

Full of the Holy Spirit and ready to start his ministry. I would have thought. But the Holy Spirit to whom even Jesus listened, led him into the desert.

Does my dry spell come after my  previous dry spell as I often think?  Is it life that dries me up or the Spirit leading me to each dry spell?  How do I live abundantly in my Spirit led, dry spell?

After 40 days, Jesus was hungry.  I believe that the Spirit remained with him throughout the 40 days.  And he was hungry physically, about to face 3 temptations. 

It's my birthday today. And I made a fabulous three layered, gluten free, German Chocolate cake with Coconut-Pecan frosting. From scratch. Took me hours. Looks like the leaning tower of Sugar. And I'm on Weight Watchers.  So I'm hungry.  Put cake in front of me when I'm hungry. Temptation.

Only I gave myself permission to eat it before I bought the ingredients.

I imagine Jesus was lonely, hot, tired, and hungry.  He went in full of the Spirit. The Spirit never left him. He came out tested and triumphant.

What if he had started ministry with the filling but not the tempting? What if he had skipped the tempting and went straight to ministry? Would he have known that having the Spirit is enough, especially in the desert?  I can know something in my head, but until I've lived it, it isn't apart of me in my heart.  It's that part of being human that Jesus and I have in common.

The power of the Spirit works for Jesus. It works for me. 

I'm in a Spirit led dry spell of parenting.  Tempted to parent poorly.  Praying for patience, wisdom, and creativity.  Spirit filled before, with the Spirit during, and eventually I will emerge from the desert.

But today, I'm eating my cake!